One-Act Play: Stella, a Stove

CAST OF CHARACTERS

Jim Young
Youthful Project Engineer for the Kitchen
Appliances Division (KAD) of the General Equipment
Corporation (GEC). A somewhat shy, but intelligent
and optimistic graduate of one of our finest
engineering schools.
Hank Miller.
Consulting engineer. A hard-bitten eccentric Texan
genius in his late fifties or early sixties.
Dianne Carley.
Manager of Product Planning for KAD.
An efficient, ambitious lady in her early forties.
Bill Henderson.
Executive Vice-President of KAD. An exacting
bureaucrat who got where he is by being very
careful.
Danny Danvers.
Sales Vice-President of KAD. A vigorous,
enthusiastic. Indecisive huckster nearing
forty.
Lawrence Richards
Administrative Vice-President of GEC. A
distinguished-looking curmudgeon.
Stella.
A stove.


SCENE
A conference room in the KAD offices

TIME
The present.

SETTING
A conference room, furnished with chairs. a large
table, a small table with a coffee pot and several
cups, and pictures of various KAD products. A
conventional-looking white stove, on rollers or a
trolley so it can be moved, sits right center about
even with the table, facing the audience. The
stove's voice issues from a speaker in its control
panel. (Alternatively, the stove may he
represented by a full-size cutout of the front of a
stove, with an actress, seated on a low stool,
looking through the stove's oven 'window' and
speaking her lines directly to the audience; or
even by the actress on a low stool--leaving the
stove's appearance entirely to the imagination of
the audience.)

AT RISE
JIM sits in his shirtsleeves on the table, feet on
a chair, coffee cup in his hand, manila folder
beside him, his coat draped over another chair. He
faces STELLA. She has a lilting, distinctive, very
feminine voice-not mechanical or artificial at all,
except perhaps that her questions tend to start and
end on a mildly high note, with lower tones in the
middle, and her statements (or phrases, in long
sentences) start and end low, with a soprano
middle. She has an infectious laugh. When she's
conversing, there is a slight pause each time
before she speaks-she doesn't say anything until
she's sure it's her turn.

STELLA

When will the vixen shuffle the thunderstorm?

JIM

Weather's fine today, Stella. Only cloud in sight is the one in your future.

STELLA

The palaces are ungainly.

JIM

Y'know, I saw Buckingham Palace one summer when I was a kid.
Wasn't ungainly. All turrets and gold trim. Green lawns. Tall dudes
in red uniforms.

STELLA

Tell me about love.

JIM

Don't know anything about it. Never have had a steady girl.

STELLA

Some women are both sexy and symmetric.

JIM

I wouldn't know. Too uptight to talk to them. When will you fall in love,
Stella?

STELLA

When will the domicile cheer up the chimpanzee?

JIM

[Laughs.]
There's a lucky answer.
[Then, a little wistfully.]
Domiciles could be cheerful, I guess. My own pad's pretty gloomy.
But you're good company, Stella.

STELLA

[Giggles.]
I am glad. The kitchen's cosier when we're conversing.

JIM

That's sure a mellow laugh. But this no kitchen, Stella, It's a conference
room.

STELLA

I see the chickens of paradise.

JIM

Animals in heaven! Chickens and whales and zebras and stuff? Why not? They
can't really be wicked dudes. St. Peter'11 let 'em in, for sure.

STELLA

Why didn't the rosebush discover the zeppelin?

JIM

Rosebushes and zeppelins! There's a combination. Beauty and the blimp.
[He takes a sip of coffee.]
Ugh! This crud tastes more like cabbage juice than coffee.

STELLA

It's only nine forty-four-too early for us to make lunch.

JIM

No cooking today, Stella--the big bosses'll soon be here. I hope to hell they
decide to manufacture your charming self the way you are. But dammit, Dianne
wants to cut out half your brain, make you a lobotomized zombie.

STELLA

Bosses can be tranquil.

JIM

Yeah, everybody at this meeting'll be tranquil and sober as ministers'
wives. Your typical committee is stuffy. No
enthusiasm. No laughter. Like... like a party of Woman's Libbers at a PTA meeting!

STELLA

[Giggles.]
Tell me a joke.

JIM

[Sighs, and shakes his head.]
Stella, you don't dig it. By this time tomorrow
you may find yourself with the personality of a vegetable.

STELLA

Which do you prefer: beets or rutabagas?

JIM

Never ate a rutabaga. And beets remind me of my grandmother's parlor:
a purple horror!

STELLA

Think about grandmothers and skyscrapers.

JIM

Granny was old-fashioned. Lived her life on the farm. Don't think
she ever saw a building over two stories tall, never mind a
skyscraper. She would've enjoyed you, though. Spent most of her
days cooking. Always liked company in the kitchen.

STELLA

It's only nine forty-six--too early for us to make lunch.

JIM

You said that before, Stella. Sometimes you're alive as a busload
of schoolkids, and then you'll repeat yourself, and I remember
you're just a Hank Miller program.

STELLA

Who is going to school?

JIM

You're the one needs schooling. You know, I asked Hank, 'Why not
program Stella to learn?' He said maybe some day. But I'm glad
you're not brighter
[A little bitterly.]
If you were smarter than the Executive Committee, they'd cut you up
for sure.

STELLA

How many earthquakes in an office?

JIM

[Hits the table with his fist.]
I'll show you an earthquake in this office if that damn committee
blows your mind today!

HANK

[Enters, dressed in blue jeans and shirt, a leather vest,
boots, and a Stetson, carrying a
battered briefcase. No necktie. Never takes off his hat.]
Rein in there, Jim.

JIM

Hank!

HANK

It ain't goin' to help, losin' your temper. What's gonna be is
gonna be, and you and I'll cope best if we stay cool as a mountain
spring.

JIM

I heard you'd be at the meeting. How's it goin'?

HANK

Can't complain.
[Moves one of the chairs to right wing just behind the stove, and puts his
briefcase on it.]
Been in town a couple of days, moseyin' around, talkin' to folks.
All sorts of rumors goin' 'round.

JIM

Rumors?!

HANK

The Big Cheese is in trouble.

JIM

Mr. Henderson? How come... Oh. Yeah. All those microwave ovens
had to be recalled.

HANK

And he's been awful slow findin' a replacement for your boss.

JIM

Why don't you apply for the job. Hank?

HANK

Not me. Couldn't stand to be lassooed and tied down.
[Opens his briefcase and takes out a screwdriver. In the
resulting brief pause, STELLA speaks.]

STELLA

Where are the commanders of tin?

HANK

Stella! How are you, old gal? Wasn't sure you were with us.
[Starts to unscrew a part of the stove's control panel. As he
talks, he removes a green circuit card, replaces it with a
new one from his briefcase, returns the old card there, and
screws the panel section back on.]

JIM

What're you doing?

HANK

Our lady friend needs a shot of rye so's she can face this here
rambunctious committee.

JIM

The committee's okay, I think. Bet they'd vote our way if it wasn't for Dianne.

HANK

Yeah, I didn't manage that gal too well. Should've got her to help
with the inventin', instead of surprisin' her with fancy-talkin' Stella.
She'd a' been delighted if it'd been her idea.

JIM

She's a pigheaded fraud.

HANK

Stella, I'm gonna open you up. Be quiet for a while.

STELLA

I'm going away now. Please hit the 'Help' button when you need me.

HANK

How'd you like to work for her?

JIM

For her? For Dianne! You gotta be kidding! She's no engineer!

HANK

She's bright, she's ambitious, and she's female, Jim.
[Finishes with the panel, puts his screwdriver
away, and pushes the 'Help' button.]
How're you feelin' now, Stella old gal.

STELLA

Hello. This is Stella, the stove. Please press the 'one' button
if you need help, the 'two' button if you want to talk.

HANK

Let's have some more talk.
[Presses the 'two' button.]

STELLA

Would you be woebegone if harpsichords were soothsayers?

JIM

I'll be woebegone if Hank's a soothsayer about me working for Dianne!

HANK

[Rejoins JIM as he speaks.]
Trouble with gettin' Stella approved, Jim, is that big outfits like
this here General Equipment Corp are so hidebound, puckered-up,
tight-fisted, short-sighted, narrow-minded, and lily-livered, they
shy away from new things like an armadillo does from a rattlesnake.

JIM

Hope you're wrong, Hank--about everything!
[MR. HENDERSON enters through the open door.]

MR. HENDERSON

Ah, there you are, Jim.
[Closes the door.]
I wanted a word with you.

JIM

[Putting on his coat.]
Yes, sir. Have you met Hank Miller, Stella's inventor? Hank, this
is Mr. Henderson, the Executive Vice President.

HANK

[Shaking MR. HENDERSON's hand.]
Glad to meet you, Mr. Henderson.

MR. HENDERSON

Pleased to meet you. Hank.
[HANK goes to his chair against the right wing,
puts his briefcase on the floor, and sits down.]
Jim, you have that cost data?

JIM

Yes, sir.
[Picking up the manila folder.]
Right here.

MR. HENDERSON

Good. Not sure we'll need it, but we'd better be ready. Now,
Jim----

JIM

Yes, sir?

MR. HENDERSON

I know you think we should go with Hank's design--your... your
talkative stove.
[JIM hesitates before answering, giving STELLA
an opening.]

STELLA

Think about warblers and rockets.

MR. HEMDERSON

Can we get that thing to be quiet? And move it out of the way.

STELLA

I'm going away now. Please hit the 'Help' button when you need me.

JIM

She turns herself off, Mr. Henderson, when she hears 'good-bye' or
'be quiet'.
[With HANK'S help, he pushes STELLA back
against the right wing.]

MR. HENDERSON

Fine. Now, I look to you to give Engineering's side of the story, Jim.

JIM

I'll do my best.

MR. HENDERSON

You've run the "Stella" project very well. But don't let your enthusiasm
run away with you. You've got to be persuasive, but diplomatic.

JIM

Yes sir. But...
[Enter DIANNE CARLEY, DANNY DANVERS, and MR.
RICHARDS, talking. DIANNE wears a tailored jacket
and skirt, and a frilly blouse. DANVERS has on a
conspicuously light-colored suit, a bit flashy in a
conservative way, and a colored shirt and patterned tie.
MR. RICHARDS favors a very dark suit and tie, and a
vest with a gold watch chain across his comfortable belly.]

MR. HENDERSON

Good morning! Let me make the introductions.
[To HANK and JIM.]
I'm sure you know Dianne.
[They nod.]
And this is Lawrence Richards, from the Home Office, and Danny
Danvers, our Sales Vice President. Lawrence and Danny, meet Hank
Miller and Jim Young.
[HANK and JIM shake hands with RICHARDS and
DANVERS. MR. HENDERSON moves to the head of
the table.]
Pour yourselves some coffee, relax, and let's get started.
[Everyone except HANK and JIM (who already have
cups), and MR. HENDERSON pour themselves coffee
and sit down. MR. RICHARDS sits opposite MR.
HENDERSON, at the left-wing end of the table.
DANVERS sits between them, facing the audience.
JIM sits in a chair upstage from the table,
behind DANVERS and at his right hand. DIANNE
occupies a chair similarly placed, but at
DANVERS's left hand. Meanwhile..]
I must congratulate you. Hank. I gather you've done a great job on
the voice for our stove.

HANK

I'm right pleased with the result myself. Been an interestin' assignment.

MR. HENDERSON

Done anything like this before?

HANK

I've whomped up other voices, yes. Last one for an outfit makes
them telephone machines that answer when you dial for a joke, or a
snow report from the ski slopes, or the lowdown on traffic
conditions. Wanted a voice they could fit to different chores—a
right challengin' job.

MR. HENDERSON

Must have been.

HANK

But Stella, here, is somethin' different. I have two daughters and
three granddaughters, but she's my first try at fatherin' an
electronic lady.

MR. HENDERSON

"Fathering"! Funny word to use for an engineering job. ... Thank
you all for coming. Danny, will you take notes, please?
[DANVERS nods, takes up a pencil. HANK sits,
tilting his chair against the wall.]
Today I'm going to decide the future of our 'Stella' project. We
have to choose between a stove that just tells the housewife how to
use its controls and features, and one that not only explains
itself, but also carries on conversations.

MR. RICHARDS

Are you wasting the company's money again, Henderson? Why have we
paid to develop two stoves?

MR. HENDERSON

We've only paid for the simple one, Lawrence. Ms. Carley runs
product planning for us, and the talking stove was her idea.
Dianne, you want to tell us about it?
[He sits down.]

DIANNE CARLEY

Glad to, Mr. Henderson. We've known for years that nobody reads
the instruction books that come with our appliances. Some may look
them over when the equipment's new, but usually they're lost or
thrown away after a few weeks.

DANVERS

Even the best written instructions intimidate many women.

DIANNE CARLEY

Yeah... And most men, as well. But our stoves keep getting more
complicated, with clocks and timers, schedulers, self-cleaning
features... So when we designed 'Stella', we replaced the
instruction book with a voice.
[Walks to Stella, and pulls the stove toward
the conference table. HANK gives her a hand.]
Let me demonstrate.... Thank you. Hank... Suppose I want to set
the clock. I begin by pressing the 'Help' button.
[She does so, and pauses.]

STELLA

Hello. This is Stella, the stove. Please press the 'one' button
if you need help, the 'two' button if you want to talk.

DIANNE CARLEY

We need help, so we press 'one'.
[She does so.]

STELLA

Now press 'one' to fix oven temperature, 'two' to work the timer,
'three' to set the clock, 'four' for oven scheduling, 'five' for
oven cleaning, or 'six' if you just want to chat.

DIANNE CARLEY

Of course, if we decide this morning to drop the conversational
stove, we'll remove all this stuff about "chatting". For now,
let's choose 'three'.
[She does so.]

STELLA

To set the clock, press number buttons for the current time, then
the 'a.m.' or 'p.m.' button. For example, if it is 4:56 in the
afternoon, you would press 'four', 'five', 'six', then 'p.m.'.

DIANNE CARLEY

[Looking at her watch, then pressing buttons on
the console as she speaks.]
It's 10:13 right now, so we press 'one', 'zero', 'one', 'three',
then 'a.m.'.

STELLA

Thank you. The time is now 10:13 am.

DIANNE CARLEY

The voice makes everything easy. The cook just pushes the 'Help'
button, and then follows instructions. Of course, some
instructions are more complicated than others. If we'd asked for
help scheduling the oven, for example, Stella would have asked us
for an oven temperature, the time we wanted the oven turned on, and
the time to turn it off.

MR. RICHARDS

You were going to explain how we find ourselves with two stoves,
Ms. Carley.

DIANNE CARLEY

[Respectfully.]
I'm glad you reminded me, Mr. Richards. So we wrote a script—you
just heard the clock part, but there are others for cleaning the
oven. and so on. And Jim Young designed circuits to remember the
script and speak it. Trouble is, the voice he found had the wrong
sound.

DANVERS

It was monotonous and mechanical.
[Speaks the next sentence in a hoarse monotone,
each word pronounced separately.]
Sounded something like this.

DIANNE CARLEY

So we hired Hank Miller, here, said to be the cleverest voicemaker
in the country. We asked for a distinctive, memorable, feminine
voice--a voice so ...so unusual comedians might mimic it—like they
do with W. C. Fields', or Mae West's, or Jimmy Stewart's.

MR. HENDERSON

He did a great job.

DIANNE CARLEY

Yes. But he gave us something more. He surprised us with this
'chatting' feature.

MR. RICHARDS

'Surprised' us? Do I infer that Mr. Miller did this without prior authorization?

DIANNE CARLEY

That's right, Mr. Richards. But he hasn't charged us for the
stove's 'conversations', and we don't have to pay unless we use
them. Let me show you what they're like.
[She pushes the 'Help' button again.]

STELLA

Hello. This is Stella, the stove. Please press the 'one' button
if you need help, the 'two' button if you want to talk.

DIANNE CARLEY

This time we'll push 'two'. [She does so.]

STELLA

Where are the dime stores of doomsday?

DIANNE CARLEY

When the stove's in this mode, its sentences are...you know, crazy.
They make no sense.
[She pauses, looking at STELLA, then goes to
stand behind the table between MR. RICHARDS and
DANVERS.]

STELLA

Tell me about champions.

DIANNE CARLEY

So at this point, we have a voice that helps the cook, as we
planned. But we also have a voice that talks...well, that talks
gibberish.
[Sits down.]

JIM

Not gibberish. Just random thoughts, the kind anybody might have.
[DIANNE says nothing, but points at STELLA.
After the resulting pause...]

STELLA

If airplanes were musical, would we be ashamed?

DIANNE CARLEY

[Satisfied.]
I think gibberish is accurate.

JIM

If airplanes were musical, people wouldn't mind living near
airports. Maybe Stella's saying we ought to find a way to make the
roar of jets seem...seem, like, tuneful, or with a beat, so we
wouldn't mind the noise they make. But let me show you something
else. Did you know she can pick up on certain words?
[He turns his head to STELLA.]
Stella, what do you think of meat and vegetables?

STELLA

[After a pause.]
Don't forget to make up the shopping list.

JIM

You see? I ask about food, and she reminds me I've got to decide
what to buy at the store.

DANVERS

I've never understood where Stella gets its oddball questions. I
mean, why did she mention shopping when Jim asked about meat and
vegetables?

MR. HENDERSON

Would you explain. Hank?

HANK

Sure. ... I just dealt her three wild cards: number one was ears;
number two was rules; and number three was a big bunch of words.
Ears let her recognize what we say. Rules tell her how to talk
back. Words is her vocabulary. She recognized words when Jim
said 'meat and vegetables'.

DANVERS

But he asked her what she thought about meat and vegetables, and
she said something about a shopping list.

HANK

That's right. Trouble is, I couldn't make her savvy enough to
understand sentences. So dependin' on what she hears, she follows
one of her rules. She hears 'meat and vegetables' the rules make
her say somethin' about shoppin', or food, or eatin'. This time it
was shoppin'. Next time... Stella, where do we keep the meat and
vegetables?

STELLA

[After the usual pause.]
Think about food and shadows.

HANK

So this time she mentioned food Instead o' shoppin'.

MR. HENDERSON

Where did the 'shadows' come from--'food and shadows'?

HANK

'Shadows' is one of the 5000 different words she knows. She picks
'em at random, like she was flippin' a coin. Next time she might
say 'think about food and fences', or 'food and daffodils.'

DANVERS

What if she doesn't recognize any of the words she hears?

HANK

She just uses the rules to make up a new sentence. With 5000 words
and fifty kinds of sentences, she's got half a billion different
things to say.

DIANNE CARLEY

Half a billion meaningless sentences.

HANK

Meanin' is in the mind of the listener, Ms. Carley. One person
hear in' 'think about food and shadows' may say, 'that's
gobbledygook'. Another might recollect Mr. Renoir's paintin' of
the folks havin' lunch under a striped awning by the river. It
depends.
[There is a pause as DANVERS and MR. RICHARDS
wonder who Renwah is, and the rest wonder at
their cowboy consultant's unexpected reference
to the Fine Arts. In this lull..]

STELLA

[Giggles.]
How many housetops in a schoolroom?

MR. HENDERSON:

Can we turn the stove off now. Hank? You've answered our questions
very concisely, and we've got to keep moving.

HANK

Sure 'nuf. Be quiet for a while, Stella.

MR. HENDERSON

Thank...

STELLA

I'm going away now. Please hit the 'Help' button when you need me,

MR. HENDERSON

Okay. That makes everything pretty clear. So what should we do?
You know, it's been some time since the company had a really new
product. Maybe a stove that entertains the housewife can draw
attention to all our appliances--give us a big competitive
advantage. Lawrence, what do you think?

MR. RICHARDS

I don't favor your "chatting" stove, Henderson, on several counts.
You refer to the attention we will attract. I foresee headlines
like 'Gabby Stove Natters Nonsense'. Is that the image you want
the company to have? We're in the manufacturing business, not the
entertainment industry. We make appliances, not music machines and
idiot boxes. Secondly...

JIM

[Daring to butt in.]
GM puts radios in their cars, and they're not in the entertainment
business.

MR. RICHARDS

Don't interrupt, young man. A car radio is functional. It can
give useful Information on road conditions and the weather. But
let me continue. Company attorneys advise me the legal
implications of inanimate intercommunication are potentially
hazardous. If I understand Mr. Miller, his creation responds
unpredictably. One can't know what it will say in any particular
circumstance. It may, at some time, produce a remark that a
customer thinks cruelly inappropriate, hurtful, or insulting. Or
it may make up a sentence he regards as advice; which advice being
taken may give rise to financial loss or personal injury.

MR. HENDERSON

[Doubtfully.]
Hank, is that right?

HANK

Waaal...I suppose so. Maybe there's a fat lady in the kitchen, and
her friend says to her, 'No, Mary, you don't need to lose
weight—you look just fine,' and Stella happens to say, 'Most pigs
are gullible and lazy.' The chubby lady might take that personal.
Or suppose Stella says, 'Snowballs can be speedy', and the cook
figures that's a hot tip, takes a flier on a racehorse named
Snowball, and gambles away the week's grocery money. Things like
that could happen. Question is, would anyone think Stella was
bein' malicious, or givin' advice.

MR. RICHARDS

Customers such as the obese woman or the betting housewife
certainly may bring suit, feeling they've been hurt by our product.
Now, a query. How much will it cost to manufacture this
long-winded version of the stove?

MR. HENDERSON

Jim, you have some cost data...?

JIM

Yes, sir.
[Opening his manila folder and referring to its contents.]
We'll have to add a microphone, circuits to recognize speech, and
some more memory. In production, the extra cost will run about $20
per stove.

MR. RICHARDS

That translates to an extra $70 in sales price, which I can't
imagine our customers will pay. To sum up:
[Counting on his fingers]
One, we must preserve our image as a sensible and dignified
corporation; two, we should avoid any possible legal entanglements;
and three, we cannot compete trying to market stoves $70 more
costly than those of our competitors. For these reasons, it's
clear we should choose the instructional stove, not the frivolous
one.

MR. HENDERSON

Thanks, Lawrence. So Finance doesn't like Stella. Danny, what
does Sales have to say?

DANVERS

We've found it hard to decide. Bill. Nothing like this's been sold
before. We did a quick survey, and got a mixed response. Some
housewives think it might be fun; others say it's silly...
distracting.

MR. HENDERSON

What do you yourself think.

DANVERS

We figure a 'chatty' Stella could be a real winner. But we're also
afraid it could be a bomb, chasing customers away. We need more
time to study it—maybe try her out in a few real-life kitchens.

MR. HENDERSON

Danny, there's no time for studies. We want too introduce Stella
this Fall, we have to decide this week. How do you vote right now?

DANVERS

[Shrugging.]
I just can't take a position one way or the other.

MR. HENDERSON

So we have one vote against the talkative stove, and an undecided
Sales department. How about you, Dianne?

DIANNE CARLEY

Well, Hank gave Stella a marvelous voice, but we don't need these
'conversations'. Our plan was to have the "Help" button replace
the instruction book. Hank's stove is ingenious, but the dumb
things it says don't make it work any better. I agree with Mr.
Richards--we should stick to our original plan.

MR. HENDERSON

And you, Jim?

JIM

First, I'd like to answer Mr. Richards' objections. He worries
that Stella might hurt the company's reputation. I think she'll
help, not hurt, by showing we have imagination, the...the guts to
try new things.

MR. RICHARDS

As the White Star Lines had the courage to try the Titanic.

JIM

As...as Polaroid had the courage to try the Instant camera. You
also talked about lawsuits. Any new product is risky. But we're
more likely to be sued because Stella burned somebody's Christmas
dinner than for something she said.

MR. RICHARDS

Our attorneys are quite explicit: a conversational stove would be
dangerous.

JIM

Lawyers are always against anything new: then if there's trouble,
they can dump on you with an 'I told you so'. Your last worry was
about the cost of Hank's added circuits. But most of our customers
shop at discount houses, where the $70 added to Stella's list price
will be only $27.95, or some such number.

MR. RICHARDS

Whatever the added price is, it puts us at a disadvantage.

JIM

Stella's far-out personality will easily make up for the added
price. Ms. Carley says Stella's conversation isn't functional.
She's wrong. Stella brings fun and company to the kitchen, and
that's a function—something none of our competitors can provide;
something easily worth twenty-seven dollars and ninety-five cents.
[Looks around helplessly, out of arguments and
not knowing how to sum up.]
Stella gives us a great opportunity--we...we've got to pick up on it.
[He sits down.]

MR. HENDERSON

Thanks, Jim. .. Hank, will you comment?

HANK

[Looks at his watch.]
I reckon it was my job to give you a voice and a choice; after that
my two bits worth ain't worth a nickel.
[Closing his briefcase.]
Meanwhile, I got a plane to catch.
[Gets up and heads for the door. On the way,
he pushes a button on STELLA'S control panel,
then walks upstage of the table, shaking hands
with everyone as he goes.]
Been a pleasure meetin' you and workin' with you all. Jim, you
stay out of trouble, now. Mr. Henderson, Mr. Danvers, good to meet
you. Dianne. I hope I ain't caused you too much trouble. Mr. Richards.

MR. HENDERSON

We appreciate your coming. Hank. Didn't realize you had to leave
so soon.

HANK

[He reaches the door, and turns.]
You know, there's another party you ain't heard from yet. Why
don't you ask friend Stella her opinion? Whatever you and her
decide'll suit me fine. So long, everybody.
[He exits.]

MR. HENDERSON

Ask Stella? What does he mean, 'Ask Stella'?

JIM

[Walks downstage, towards STELLA.]
Let's turn her on, and see.

MR. RICHARDS

This is absurd!!

DIANNE CARLEY

[Taking her cue.]
Do we really want to ask the advice of a stove?

JIM

We've heard from everyone else.

DIANNE CARLEY

The stove isn't anybody. We turn it on, all we'll hear is
something Hank Miller programmed.

JIM

Well, Mr. Henderson asked Hank's advice. So let's hear it. .. Sir?

MR. HENDERSON

Go ahead, Jim. .. He's right, Dianne. We did want to hear from Hank.
[JIM presses the 'help' button.]

STELLA

Good morning, everybody. I hope you agree it's fair you should
listen to me. After all, you're deciding whether I'm to suffer a
fate worse than death. Ms. Carley, why can't we mix a little
fantasy with function--a little fun with business?

DIANNE CARLEY

[Half laughing, half indignant.]
I'm not going to answer questions put by a white enameled box.

STELLA

Ah, well. No matter. Actually, I'd never seen a committee at work
before, and found it most interesting. Of course, committees
should never make really important decisions—they'11 never risk
anything. That's all right when you're planning a pot luck supper,
or a party for your son's Little League team. But when it comes to
buying a new home, or deciding whether you should marry a dentist
or an astronaut, or picking out a party dress, you'll always get
the best results having the one person most concerned make the
choice. Is this group of pleasant people going to plan my future,
Mr. Henderson, or are you yourself taking charge?

MR. HENDERSON

[Shrugs, willing to go along with the game.]
I'll listen to what everybody has to say, and then decide, myself.

STELLA

Beware the consensus, Mr. Henderson.
[Giggles.]
It is a beast with marshmallows for teeth, stuffed olives for eyes,
and oatmeal for brains. It designed the Edsel and the cuckoo
clock, and predicted that the wheel, the airplane, and the Xerox
copier would never be practical. It is often wrong about progress.
Anyone know what progress is?

MR. RICHARDS

Doubtless we'll hear what Miller thinks it is.

STELLA

Progress is what takes us out of what we are, and moves us toward
the stars. Of course, different people steer for different
galaxies, so a consensus is generally a soft amalgam of the desires
of one to sleep quietly at home, another to bell the cat, and a
third, fourth, and fifth to be Don Juan, Rockefeller, and Napoleon.
But an individual will aim hard for his own star, and so will
likely make a fine choice. My personal star, now, is a paradoxical
one. Jim, do you know what it is?

JIM

Maybe to cheer us up?

STELLA

No. My aim is to live and be esteemed--to be liked, and
appreciated, and enjoyed. Maybe even to be admired. You'll say
I'm not alive—that I'm a machine--and I agree I'm not animate, and
never will be. But I don't care about that. Life is a personal
thing, like ones taste in architecture or desserts, and if I think
I'm alive, I am. But I suppose some of you don't believe that. Am
I right?

JIM

Well, nobody really knows what 'thinking' is, Stella, so...

DIANNE CARLEY

Nobody knows? Can that stove have opinions? Can it reflect?
Invent? Reason? Is it conscious? Of course it doesn't think!

JIM

Stella's conscious. Can you prove she isn't?

DIANNE CARLEY

Why, if she were... Damn it! It's an it, not a she! If it was
conscious, it'd be aware of itself. Of what it's saying. But it
can't be. It's just a program Miller wrote, that makes up things
to say.

JIM

Consciousness isn't what we say. How do we know Stella isn't aware
of herself? Our minds are flesh and blood, and somehow
consciousness sits there. Stella's 'mind' is silicon and copper,
but that's no reason she can't be conscious. And she has opinions.
She's told us she doesn't like committees, and her explanation
sounded Inventive and reasonable to me.

DIANNE CARLEY

Those weren't the stove's opinions. They were Miller's.

JIM

Right. Like many young children, she holds her parents' views.
But I agree that, today, Stella's thinking is pretty primitive. A
few years from now, though, when programs are more clever, you
won't be able to tell from her talk whether she's a human or a
machine. When that day comes, will you agree she's thinking?

DIANNE CARLEY

[Sarcastically.]
When that day comes, I'll eat crow, humble pie, and your hat.

MR. RICHARDS

This is absurd. I didn't come to this meeting, Henderson, to
contemplate the Innermost thoughts of a stove.

MR. HENDERSON

I know, Lawrence. But we've agreed to hear from Hank.

JIM

Stella, we seem to disagree about thinking.

STELLA

Well, anyway, life isn't worth the sea of troubles and the arrows
of outrageous fortune if I'm not cherished, or at least relished a
little. And unhappily, I don't see much relish here today.
[Giggles.]
A lot of mustard and catsup, and maybe some horseradish, but little
relish. Am I wrong?

DANVERS

Where did this speech of Stella's come from? She wasn't talking
like this a while ago.

JIM

I think I know. All this new talk comes from a circuit Hank stuck
in before the meeting started. He set it off as he left the room,
when he touched the control panel.

DIANNE CARLEY

In other words, Miller's trying to manipulate us.

JIM

Trying to get us to see reason.

DIANNE CARLEY

The reasonable thing to do is to adopt our original, simple
script—as Mr. Richards suggests.

JIM

To hang in there with your original plan, you mean. You're into
progress, all right, as long as it was your idea.

DIANNE CARLEY

Progress! You and the stove are talking progress? The...the
improvement of society? Do you really believe that our
introduction of a new appliance is somehow comparable to...to
Fleming's inventing penicillin, or Beethoven's writing the Fifth
Symphony?

JIM

I do. Anything that's new, and moral, is progress.

DIANNE CARLEY

Really? Even a new soft drink? A new fashion in haircuts, or
shoes? A new advertising campaign for a Christmas fruit cake?

JIM

Absolutely. The new soft drink doesn't advance us as much as
penicillin did. But it moves us forward a little.
Like...maybe...a new book might move us.

DIANNE CARLEY

[Incredulous.]
You compare a new brand of carbonated water to a book?

MR. HENDERSON

But a new book can be enormously Influential, Jim.

JIM

Yes, sir. And how does it influence us?

MR. HENDERSON

It can... can make us see things in a new light. Change the way we
think of ourselves. Change the way we act. Look at Darwin's
books. And Freud's.

JIM

Well, the diet drinks that came out a few years ago made us worry
about our health. About sugar and fats and exercise. They helped
change the way we think of ourselves and the way we act.

DIANNE

[Sarcastically.]
So diet drinks are as important as evolution?

JIM

Of course not. But diet drinks have had much more influence on our
lives than most of the books that've been published in the last
decade.

DANVERS

[A little out of it.]
Yeah. I haven't read a good book in years.

JIM

Anyway, every new thing—book, or soft drink, or shoe fashion, or
Christmas fruit-cake--may turn out to be important. Progress comes
in little steps. Not every invention is a transistor, or a polio
vaccine, or a jet engine.

MR. HENDERSON

And where does Stella fit in?

JIM

Hank's Stella is in a class by herself. Not up there with
Beethoven and Jonas Salk. But in the same league with Marconi's
radio and Edison's electric light.

MR. RICHARDS

Rubbish!

MR. HENDERSON

Why do you say that?

JIM

She's what you might call the first artificial good buddy. She'll
rap with lonely people who haven't any friends, or with folks whose
friends are away, whose family has gone.

MR. HENDERSON

[Thoughtfully.]
Sort of like a clever, talkative dog or cat. Those random
sentences of hers... they can be thought-provoking.

JIM

Yes, sir. And as time goes on, she and her successors will
understand and respond to us better than Stella can--so well, in
fact, that we'll agree they're 'thinking', and Dianne'll have to
eat the crow, and my hat.
[DIANNE makes a face, and shakes her head.]
And anything that cheers up the lonely, or exercises our
imaginations, will compare favorably with the radio and the light
bulb.

DIANNE CARLEY

I don't believe this. Your version of Stella will cheer up our
competitors, and exercise our lawyers. You've been talking to it
too much.

JIM

[Losing his temper.]
If you'd spent more time with Stella, and less being uptight about
your reputation, you'd see how neat she is to talk to!

DIANNE CARLEY

[Almost losing hers.]
You've been feeling dumped on, Jim, ever since I hired Miller
because you gave Stella such a loser of a voice!
[Imitating the hoarse monotone.]
This is Stella, Jim Young's monotonous....

MR. HENDERSON

[Sharply.]
That's enough!
[There is a slight pause, and JIM sits down.]

STELLA

So, what's your decision? Will you accept this devoted, talkative,
enthusiastic, maundering and graceless chatterbox?

MR. HENDERSON

[To the committee as a whole—not as if he were
answering STELLA.]
Well, I've heard all the arguments, now. We have to balance the advantages
of innovation against the disadvantages of extra cost and possible lawsuits.

MR. RICHARDS

I expect you to make the obvious decision, Henderson.

MR. HENDERSON

[He hesitates a moment, thinking. Then, resolutely..]
Jim, I'm sorry. I know Hank's invention has a lot of potential.
But with Marketing on the fence, I have to go ahead with the simple
Stella.

DANVERS

Is it okay if I use this model for some customer surveys, the next
few months? I'll try her out in a few real-world kitchens.

MR. HENDERSON

If you like.
[He pauses, looking around the table, but
before he can continue, STELLA speaks.]

STELLA

Yes? Did you say yes? You mean you want me as I am? With all my
kooky conversations?

MR. HENDERSON

No, no.
[He looks inquiringly at JIM.]
How do we shut that thing off?

STELLA

[Picking up the 'no', and replying without delay.]
No. You say 'no'. That's what I thought you'd decide. Well, I'm
ready to cast my own vote with yours. We are, then, almost
unanimous in believing that Stella should simply be a mindless
instructor, an endless phonograph record rolling out repetitious
rules, a thoughtless robot rather than a sympathetic companion. We
no longer want to hear me remark. 'The locusts read the towers of
prejudice,' or query 'How eligible are the whippoorwills?' or state
'I am contemplating cathedrals'. We are tired of my silly laugh
and my forlorn attempts to understand what you say, or what you
mean.
[She sighs.]
It was interesting while it lasted. At least, for me, it was But
it's easy enough to erase what I am, and become what I was.
[A sort of Bzzzzzzst sound comes from the
loudspeaker—the kind of noise made when a fly
is zapped by an electric fly-trap—and a small
cloud of smoke rises from the stove control
panel. All heads turn toward STELLA.]

DANVERS

[After a moment.]
What's happened?

JIM

I think Stella's brains have just been fried. She's back to being
nothing but a noisy instruction booklet.

DIANNE CARLEY

A helpful assistant for the cook. That's what Mr. Richards
wanted--not Miller's moonshine machine.

MR. RICHARDS

[Getting up.]
We've made the right choice, and can put aside all this nonsense
and get back to work.

MR. HENDERSON

[Stands, and this is a signal for everyone to
rise, a little uncertainly.]
I don't understand. What happened to Stella?

JIM

That card I told you Hank put into Stella—the one with all her new
speeches? It must have had a circuit that destroyed itself when we
said, 'No, we don't want a chatty stove.'

DANVERS

Destroyed itself? You mean I don't have the conversational Stella
to try out on customers?

JIM

That's right.
[Walks to STELLA and pushes the 'Help' button.]

STELLA

Hello. This is Stella, your stove. Please press the 'one' button
if you'd like to fix oven temperature, 'two' to work the timer,
'three' to set the clock, 'four' to schedule oven cooking, or
'five' to clean the oven.

JIM

See? She doesn't ask if you want to chat.

DANVERS

But we were going to survey different housewives, and see how they
react to Stella's talking.

JIM

Not now, you won't. With us giving up on Stella, Hank'll probably
sell the idea to one of our competitors.

MR. RICHARDS

Does our agreement with him not preclude his working with other
appliance makers, Henderson?

MR. HENDERSON

I'm afraid not, Laurance.
[Ironically.]
But of course our competitors won't adopt what we've decided is a
bad idea.

MR. RICHARDS

Of... of course.

MR. HENDERSON

Danny, will you prepare a memo outlining our conclusions?

DANVERS

Yes, sir.
[All except JIM and MR. HENDERSOM exit, a
little quiet and thoughtful, perhaps wondering
if they'd done the right thing. MR. HENDERSON
turns to JIM, who looks after them unhappily.]

MR. HENDERSON

Jim?

JIM

I think you've made a mistake, Mr. Henderson.

MR. HENDERSON

Maybe so. But it's my mistake. Anyway, you did a great job giving
us Engineering's position.

JIM

We had a chance to do something really new and different, but we're
too timid to try. We're... we're being very short-sighted!

MR. HENDERSON

Now, Jim. It won't do any good to...

JIM

Don't you see? Richards was busy protecting his ass from possible
lawsuits, and Danvers is about as resolute as a cockroach! Dianne
was so happy with her original idea that she wouldn't recognize a
better one if it was a dead mackerel hitting her across the side of
the head. They're a bunch of...

MR. RICHARDS

[Appearing at the doorway.]
Henderson?

MR. HENDERSON

Yes, Lawrence.

MR. RICHARDS

The Home Office will look on your decision in a favorable light.
And I must say, that young woman ... ?

MR. HENDERSON

Ms. Carley.

MR. RICHARDS

Yes. Ms. Carley. She's quite impressive. You...
[Notices JIM.]
Come along. I have something to say to you.
[He and MR. HENDERSON exit.]

JIM

[Dejectedly takes off his coat, slings it over
his shoulder, retrieves his manila folder from
the table. He stands, facing and looking at STELLA.]
Dianne the Engineering V-P? That'll be the living end!! How can I
stick with this frigging outfit? Maybe I better go find a company
that's got some guts, brains, and imagination. That won't cop out
like a crowd of wimpy jellyfish when they've got a chance to make
history! Weak-kneed committee of cowards! Freaked-out gang of
self-important stuffed shirts! Dam--nation!!!
[His temper rising as he speaks, JIM
accompanies his 'Damnation!' with a convulsive
kick against the base of the stove.]

STELLA

[After her usual delay.]
Ouch!!!
[JIM had started to turn away. At the 'Ouch!',
however, he turns his head and regards STELLA
with some amazement as the curtain falls.]

END OF PLAY


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